Hey Hot Tub Hellions,
I woke up this morning with my lower back hurting. My legs were numb except for the sharp pains that stabbed me every few seconds. When I got home from work, I drew myself a warm bath while glancing through my aroma oils. I read the label on the clove oil. It said that it is good for toothaches. Toothaches, backaches- they both hurt like hell. I put in a few drops of clove oil, some anise and a little lemon. Pretty soon it smelled like someone had dusted the dentist’s office with lemon Pledge while sucking on a licorice stick. I liked the smell, so I added more of each.
As I began to relax, I noticed a tingling sensation in my legs. Good, it’s working quickly, I thought. Then my back started itching, and my whole body started burning and stinging. I jumped up and grabbed a towel so fast I nearly fell into the toilet. By then, I felt like an uninvited guest at an ant colony. I wanted to rinse myself with cool water but the water in the tub was so deep it could be ten minutes before it drained. I ran past the open blinds of the guest room on my way to the other bathroom. I was sweating profusely as I rinsed until the pain started to subside.
Why didn’t I just use Calgon?
(1999)
Showing posts with label aromatherapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aromatherapy. Show all posts
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A New Batch of Aroma Oils
I made a batch of aroma oil that enhances dreams. Last night I dreamt that we were moving again. I woke up screaming and hitting My Husband in the head with my fists. We’ve lived in four houses in three different states within the past five years, which means we viewed 100 prospective houses. Sometimes I can’t remember which house we bought and what state I live in.
My Daughter passed the test and got her learner’s license this week. I made sure I had an aroma recipe for calming nerves. My Husband may need it. I’m home schooling the kid, he’s teaching her to drive. If you haven’t had kids yet, save yourself the trouble. If it’s too late, and you already have kids, sell them before they become teenagers!
(1998)
My Daughter passed the test and got her learner’s license this week. I made sure I had an aroma recipe for calming nerves. My Husband may need it. I’m home schooling the kid, he’s teaching her to drive. If you haven’t had kids yet, save yourself the trouble. If it’s too late, and you already have kids, sell them before they become teenagers!
(1998)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Aroma Warnings!
Hi Team,
I finally got all the 1999 calendars hung right side up and turned to the right month. That seems to help. A lot of folks gave us calendars and planners in December. They must want a date with me! Get it? Calendar? Date? Moving right along... I’ve discovered some hazards of aromatherapy that I thought I might warn you about.
Don’t ever put your contact lenses in your eyes directly after a bath using essential oils. You’ll have a foggy outlook all day.
You might want to consider having bathtub rails installed if you are not an avid skier. It will help you stand up in the shower if you are the lucky one to follow a person who took an aromabath.
There are toilet hazards: Always check to see if a freshly oiled person has visited the site before you sit down. I’m not sure if homeowner’s insurance covers injuries occurred from sliding off the seat. The toilet is no place for a sitz bath, I can tell you that much.
If you spill any oil in the floor you will want to get it up immediately before some unsuspecting person learns to do a Chinese split on your kitchen floor.
If you get essential oil on the kitchen counters while mixing, don’t’ use the dishtowel to wipe it up. Your dishes will smell like patchouli and your husband will sing Rolling Stones songs at the dinner table.
Don’t mix too many fragrances at once. It could confuse the olfactory nerve in your brain, and you won’t be able to tell if you are feeling relaxed or stimulated, or if you are hallucinating.
It’s a good idea to have your bathroom doorknobs removed and the doors hinged so they swing outward. That way you will not become trapped in the bathroom and make yourself late for work trying to turn the knob with greasy hands.
Beware: Cappi is legally on oil therapy.
The sandalwood oil is for your feet, the tea tree oil goes on the trunk of your body, but the bergamot does not go in your nose!
Never do an oil & salt rub right after shaving your legs unless you are trying to reach the high notes in an opera tune. Some of the grains in the Dead Sea salt are still alive and will attack open wounds.
If you give the dog a massage you may want to omit the massage oil. Fur is not all that absorbent but upholstered furniture is.
If you find that you are spending too much money on your aroma habit, you may have to keep your debit card under lock and key. Just because you have checks left in the checkbook does not mean you have money in the account. Ask me how I know.
If you are subscribed to this mailing list against your will or better judgment, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to me at Expressy@coffeehouse.com. Just put “forget it” in the subject line. If you want to keep getting Email Episodes, write me, and put “oil me up” in the subject line. It’s as simple as that.
I’m going to go pierce my ear now. Talk to you later.
FROM: Rosemadder@mindseye.com
SENT: January 20, 1999
TO: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
SUBJECT: RE: Kooks of Hazard and other oil spills
Oil me up, Scotty - oh wait, that's “Beam me up Scotty” - is that what we'd use for light therapy sessions? Anyway...please don't delete me from your expressy-ions. I need something to remind me that there is a world still waiting outside of the cube farm.
Cubicles: padded cells without doors.
I finally got all the 1999 calendars hung right side up and turned to the right month. That seems to help. A lot of folks gave us calendars and planners in December. They must want a date with me! Get it? Calendar? Date? Moving right along... I’ve discovered some hazards of aromatherapy that I thought I might warn you about.
Don’t ever put your contact lenses in your eyes directly after a bath using essential oils. You’ll have a foggy outlook all day.
You might want to consider having bathtub rails installed if you are not an avid skier. It will help you stand up in the shower if you are the lucky one to follow a person who took an aromabath.
There are toilet hazards: Always check to see if a freshly oiled person has visited the site before you sit down. I’m not sure if homeowner’s insurance covers injuries occurred from sliding off the seat. The toilet is no place for a sitz bath, I can tell you that much.
If you spill any oil in the floor you will want to get it up immediately before some unsuspecting person learns to do a Chinese split on your kitchen floor.
If you get essential oil on the kitchen counters while mixing, don’t’ use the dishtowel to wipe it up. Your dishes will smell like patchouli and your husband will sing Rolling Stones songs at the dinner table.
Don’t mix too many fragrances at once. It could confuse the olfactory nerve in your brain, and you won’t be able to tell if you are feeling relaxed or stimulated, or if you are hallucinating.
It’s a good idea to have your bathroom doorknobs removed and the doors hinged so they swing outward. That way you will not become trapped in the bathroom and make yourself late for work trying to turn the knob with greasy hands.
Beware: Cappi is legally on oil therapy.
The sandalwood oil is for your feet, the tea tree oil goes on the trunk of your body, but the bergamot does not go in your nose!
Never do an oil & salt rub right after shaving your legs unless you are trying to reach the high notes in an opera tune. Some of the grains in the Dead Sea salt are still alive and will attack open wounds.
If you give the dog a massage you may want to omit the massage oil. Fur is not all that absorbent but upholstered furniture is.
If you find that you are spending too much money on your aroma habit, you may have to keep your debit card under lock and key. Just because you have checks left in the checkbook does not mean you have money in the account. Ask me how I know.
If you are subscribed to this mailing list against your will or better judgment, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to me at Expressy@coffeehouse.com. Just put “forget it” in the subject line. If you want to keep getting Email Episodes, write me, and put “oil me up” in the subject line. It’s as simple as that.
I’m going to go pierce my ear now. Talk to you later.
FROM: Rosemadder@mindseye.com
SENT: January 20, 1999
TO: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
SUBJECT: RE: Kooks of Hazard and other oil spills
Oil me up, Scotty - oh wait, that's “Beam me up Scotty” - is that what we'd use for light therapy sessions? Anyway...please don't delete me from your expressy-ions. I need something to remind me that there is a world still waiting outside of the cube farm.
Cubicles: padded cells without doors.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Aromatherapy? What the Smell?
I hope you are all well and as happy as a beaver after a tree falls in your part of the river, but not that busy. Then again, perhaps that’s why you haven’t written – you’ve had too much dam work to do! Oh, that was funny, Espressy.
I’m learning aromatherapy. I’m mixing oils and fragrance to make medicines! I’ve been doing a lot of research because I heard you have to be careful not to make something toxic or blow up the house. I’ve been experimenting like a mad scientist. The process reminds me of my mom when colors her hair. She mixes so many vials of color, there’s no telling what color hair she may have when she leaves the bathroom. Aromatherapy keeps me busy and…..well, happy. We all know how important that is! Those doctor and counselor appointments aren’t cheap! The house smells good and I smell interesting. My Daughter asked her dad, “What’s with mom and all the little bottles? Every corner of the house smells different, and something stinks!” True, I’ve oiled everything, including the dog. The book I bought has recipes for proper mixing but you know how I hate to follow directions. I sprayed My Husband’s pillow with a citrus mix and he dreamed he slept in an orchard. I sprayed my pillow with lavender and rose. I slept all night for the first time in months. The next night I forgot to spray our pillow, and I was up all night. I think that’s the night I made My Husband’s lunch at 3:30 a.m.
My new friend, Jean, came over today and brought some leftover Thai soup she had made, bless her heart. I poured it down the disposal today along with a dish I made that not even the dog would eat. Jean is helping My Daughter decorate her room. She brought her a mirror and told her she could break it and glue the pieces to the wall with Elmer’s. My Daughter broke it all right! She tripped over a pile of stuff lying in her floor, and landed on the mirror shattering it to bits. She wasn’t hurt by that fall but she did slice her thumb with the scissors trying to open a Legg’s egg on Sunday morning. We were late for church while we waited for her to quit bleeding. It could have used a stitch, but we’re too cheap to take our kid to the emergency room on the weekend. She is asking to be home-schooled next semester, but I think it’s just too dangerous. Her room is a safety hazard and we don’t want her spending too much time there.
My Daughter went to the mall with me. Shopping is good therapy for depression. In fact, I’ve found that depression is an excuse for just about any childish behavior. I got annoyed when My Daughter would not let me try on the blouse with fake fur on the sleeves, nor the leopard hats, nor the feathered boas. I think I may have embarrassed my daughter when I lay in the floor screaming and kicking the cosmetics counter. All I wanted was one more squirt of perfume! She said if I wanted to smell like a French whore, she’d take me home so I could play in my aroma oils.
Well, here she comes now. I think she wants me to cook dinner. Too bad I didn’t keep that Thai soup.
Love,
Spressy
(1998)
I’m learning aromatherapy. I’m mixing oils and fragrance to make medicines! I’ve been doing a lot of research because I heard you have to be careful not to make something toxic or blow up the house. I’ve been experimenting like a mad scientist. The process reminds me of my mom when colors her hair. She mixes so many vials of color, there’s no telling what color hair she may have when she leaves the bathroom. Aromatherapy keeps me busy and…..well, happy. We all know how important that is! Those doctor and counselor appointments aren’t cheap! The house smells good and I smell interesting. My Daughter asked her dad, “What’s with mom and all the little bottles? Every corner of the house smells different, and something stinks!” True, I’ve oiled everything, including the dog. The book I bought has recipes for proper mixing but you know how I hate to follow directions. I sprayed My Husband’s pillow with a citrus mix and he dreamed he slept in an orchard. I sprayed my pillow with lavender and rose. I slept all night for the first time in months. The next night I forgot to spray our pillow, and I was up all night. I think that’s the night I made My Husband’s lunch at 3:30 a.m.
My new friend, Jean, came over today and brought some leftover Thai soup she had made, bless her heart. I poured it down the disposal today along with a dish I made that not even the dog would eat. Jean is helping My Daughter decorate her room. She brought her a mirror and told her she could break it and glue the pieces to the wall with Elmer’s. My Daughter broke it all right! She tripped over a pile of stuff lying in her floor, and landed on the mirror shattering it to bits. She wasn’t hurt by that fall but she did slice her thumb with the scissors trying to open a Legg’s egg on Sunday morning. We were late for church while we waited for her to quit bleeding. It could have used a stitch, but we’re too cheap to take our kid to the emergency room on the weekend. She is asking to be home-schooled next semester, but I think it’s just too dangerous. Her room is a safety hazard and we don’t want her spending too much time there.
My Daughter went to the mall with me. Shopping is good therapy for depression. In fact, I’ve found that depression is an excuse for just about any childish behavior. I got annoyed when My Daughter would not let me try on the blouse with fake fur on the sleeves, nor the leopard hats, nor the feathered boas. I think I may have embarrassed my daughter when I lay in the floor screaming and kicking the cosmetics counter. All I wanted was one more squirt of perfume! She said if I wanted to smell like a French whore, she’d take me home so I could play in my aroma oils.
Well, here she comes now. I think she wants me to cook dinner. Too bad I didn’t keep that Thai soup.
Love,
Spressy
(1998)
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