Foot washing

This happened in the late 1990s. Don't worry. I'm sane and perfect now.

Dear Friends and Holy Rollers,

We had a re-enactment of the Lord's Last Supper for our Maundy Thursday service followed by a foot washing service at church. You know I am struggling with depression. One exercise my counselor recommended to help me change my habit of sorrowing is to make myself laugh every time I feel like crying or being sad. I have been instructed to fake a laugh in order to teach myself to choose an opposite response and get in control of my emotions so I don't go into the pit again. I made it through the message of ‘could it be me’. It’s the annual Easter sermon where all the disciples were wondering if they would be the one to betray Jesus. I wanted to cry so bad it hurt. I felt like a hose nozzle twisted shut with the water turned on full blast. I practiced my laugh reaction and made it through without a Kleenex.

Next we went downstairs to the fellowship hall. People were very somber and no one else in the room knew about my plan to laugh silently. They were sniffling and crying. Some were almost wailing. Not me buddy, I'm grinning from ear to ear. I have this super-imposed smile that suggests I don't really understand what is going on. Everyone was sitting in a circle with dishpans and towels mingled among the smelly feet. The idea was to humble ourselves and wash one another's feet and become a servant to all. I am not underestimating the somberness of the moment nor the reverence in which Jesus did this with His disciples. However, to see grown women on their knees weeping in those plastic dishpans just hit me as funny and the fake laugh that I was only to do silently was becoming more and more difficult to contain. One lady kept on her black panty hose during the whole ordeal. All she needed was some Woolite in her dishpan and she wouldn’t have to do laundry when she got home! I started to snicker. That’s when an elderly, weeping woman came to me and started rolling up my britches legs. I hadn't shaved my legs in a couple of days and I was pretty grizzly. Well, that really did cause me to laugh. She had me put my feet in the pan of warm water and that made me want to pee. Besides, it tickled! The woman washed my feet and didn't seem to notice my chipped toenail polish. If I had remembered we were going to do the foot-washing thing I would have at least come prepared. I would have worn a pair of socks that still had the elastic in them.

All that to say this: What's in a person's heart is not always what shows on the outside, and what we see on the outside is not always what's in a person's heart.

Hey, by the way, last week I had my ear pierced three times. I learned to hold still by the third try. I like my new look - cartilage piercing is so hip!

Car Door

This happened in 1999 when my daughter was about fifteen or sixteen years old. I'm still driving that Camry!

While I was upstairs dealing with the puppy, which must not hear well since she doesn’t mind at all, My Daughter backed out of the garage without closing the rear passenger door. Ugh! Major damage to my car, but didn’t hurt the garage. I drove around town the next day with the door partly open. It was closed at the bottom enough to catch, but the top was warped so badly it left a gap. People blew their horns at me while sitting at red lights, and yelled to me that my back door was open, so I taped a note to it that read, “We know – teenage driving hazard.” Today it looked like rain so we tied it shut with an electrical cord, and used duct tape to close the gap. If there are two things I can’t live without, it would be WD-40 and duct tape. WD-40 if it’s stuck; duct tape if it’s flapping - keeps many marriages and households running smoothly.

I can’t really fuss at My Daughter too much about her accident. I backed out of the garage without raising the door a few years ago. We not only had car damage, but house damage too! Mentioning damage, Annie is growing fast and she is strong as an ox! I wish she would leave the blind dog alone. Indi can’t defend herself against such a goof ball as Annie.

Wild Dog

Let me preface this by saying that this occurred in 1999. I do not have a new puppy right now in 2009, so in lieu of sympathy cards, cash donations may be sent to my bank account. Call me if you need the address.

We have a new puppy named Annie. She is an 11-week-old Weimaraner. We could not pass by Pass Pets. I daily question my sanity. Someone told me recently that my life sounded like a soap opera. I reminded them that they are a playing a lead role. So the drama continues on Wacho Woman’s Wild World. My life doesn’t seem all that unusual to me. What is normal anyway? I had my hair colored this week. It is very red, somewhat orange with golden blonde highlights. It reminds me of a stick of Fruit Stripes chewing gum. It took 3 hours to do the color change and 11 hours of my paycheck, but I love it. One guy walked by me yesterday and stopped suddenly. “Red light!”, he said. Then he walked on laughing. Well, my hairdresser said my hair could stop traffic.

My Daughter is still working at Kroger, K-Rogers as she calls it. Now that she has a job, she also has a checking account, or should I say a bouncing account. But at least she gets mail each week from her friends at the bank. They want $40 to cover for two bounced checks. I guess my daughter doesn’t quite have the hang of how an account works.

The Midas Touch?

Almost every young woman I love is pregnant right now. Four of my daughters and a good friend of mine are all expecting this year. My cousin's daughter is also expecting.

Yesterday, I had some friends over for lunch. I had a hunch about one gal and her new hubby so I said to them, "Now that you've been within ten feet of me, and you have been in my house, you may as well stop by the store on the way home and get a pregnancy test kit. I seem to have a magic touch and everyone who gets in my energy field is pregnant."

They had that deer-in-the-headlights look and didn't say anything. They might have thought I was kidding, but I really wasn't.

Later, my friend told me that on the way to my house she had told her husband that she felt strange and hadn't had a period this month. He had suggested they stop on the way home to get a home pregnancy kit.

So, while I await their good news, and watch the dough rise in the other ovens, I'll share this very appropriate photo.

You're Home Early!

I am making baby slings for the five (maybe six) pregnant women in my life. I was trying one on to see if it was going to work. I needed a baby to put in it, but since the babies aren't here yet, I found a Cabbage Patch doll in the closet that my daughter used to play with. I tucked Cabbie into the sling and was wearing the baby when my husband walked in from work.

"Whoa!" he said. "Have a rough day, Honey?"


This photo cracked me up when someone sent it to me in an email. It was perfect for celebrating my Cabbage Patch moment in the sling.

The Mail Mystery

I got a strange item in the mail the other day. There was no return address, but the postmark indicated the envelope was sent from Arizona. Inside, was a page torn from a magazine with an advertisement for a remarkable new serum that can transform my appearance within a few days.
At first, I thought it was a joke, or maybe someone sent it to the wrong address. But then, I noticed a hand-written note with my name on it. "Expressy, Call fast, it works. I only paid shipping," he or she wrote. No signature or sender's name. Only paid shipping, huh? How much does shipping cost for a new face? What would happen if I wanted to apply the product to my entire body? How much would that cost to ship freight rate?

Someone, please tell me why I was the target for a product claiming to be the greatest anti-aging breakthrough since Botox. Am I that old looking? Do I really need a face lift? Is it so obvious to everyone except me that I need to de-age-ify my appearance? Did someone feel sorry for me?

I'm confused. Why the mystery? Why didn't the sender sign her name so I would know who to thank when I was mistaken for a college student? Maybe she is so transformed after using the product that she no longer recognizes herself in the mirror. Her own mother doesn't open the door to strangers, which means the young-looking daughter is standing on her Mom's porch, having an identity crisis. 

What do you think?

Dental Dilemma

I should have eaten before I went to the dentist for crown preparation. I was so hungry after my hour-and-twenty-minute appointment that I couldn't wait to eat. Ever tried to suck through a straw or eat a hamburger when only one side of your mouth is operable? I've made a mess all over myself and the table.

Take this day and flush it!

I had such a shitty day, I had to change pants twice...

President's Day

I cooked a grand slam breakfast on Sunday morning, complete with eggs, grits, bacon, pancakes, and coffee. It was a real hit! Ha ha!

I have some rock necklaces left if anyone wants one. Free while supplies last. I’m not sure if the mail will deliver on Monday since it’s President’s Day. How will we celebrate President’s Day now that Clinton has been found out? We could swap spouses and pretend it didn’t happen.

When Cappi was here this week she gave me a lesson on how to load the dishwasher. Now I only have to run one load per week instead of one load per day. That girl can pack a DW better than college students can pack a VW! Don’t worry Mom, you still hold the record for packing the trunk of a car.

(1999)

Random

You just don’t know how to get off this dumb email list do you? It’s like the sweepstakes mail; it keeps coming whether or not you send in a response.

Reminds me of telemarketers.

I wonder how they get my address and phone number, and how do they know when you’re eating dinner? One guy called last week asking for donations for the police department. Hellooooo, don’t I pay taxes to fund this program!? He told me that I gave to his organization last year and that he would appreciate my support again this year.

I said, “Now, wait a damn minute. I didn’t even live in this state last year, how could I have given to the local police department? Besides, that, how did you get my name and phone number?”

He hung up on me! The audacity! I’m supposed to be the one to hang up first!

(1998)