Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanksgiving with the Family

You know how it is. You love them but you can't wait to get back home to your own version of insanity. The holidays provide plenty of opportunities for love and laughter as well as chaos and craziness.

While visiting my parents the week of Thanksgiving, my mom asked me to drive my dad to eye doctor. It was either that or put my hand up Tom Turkey's butt, so I agreed to deal with Dad.

Dad said he knew how to get there, but I logged the location into my GPS just in case. Glad I did.

"It's that building right there," Dad pointed. I turned in.

"Really, Dad? Is there something you haven't told us? That's a gynecologist office."

Just walked by my 96-year-old grandmother and she was looking at the Walmart sales paper. It was upside down! Tried not to laugh--she has cataracts--but it was so cute!

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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Affirmations for Seniors

I've been doing affirmations for about ten years and they really do work! I woke up the other morning (not this morning, but the other one) and had to chuckle at what I was hearing in my head.

I have not fallen; I can get up from the toilet.
I hear whenever I want to.
My organizational skills are being perfected as I sort my pills each day.
I Depend upon my Creator to keep me safe and dry at all times.
I have not been sexually abused; my nurse gave me an enema.
Sports, such as bending over and deep breathing, are highly overrated.

I am getting better and better at using my toes to pick up items from the floor.
I remember where I put my hearing aid each day.
My sense of smell is still keen. I just farted.
My sleep number is 9-1-1.
I do not have bed sores; I am lying on my dentures, again.
I know my doctor’s names—all three of them; Ben, Gay, and . . .
My caregiver’s name is . . . My caregiver’s name is . . . (try again later)
I know and understand where I put my glasses; I can see to find them.
I bet my sweet Aspercreme I can still drive a car—fast. I exceeded the speed limit ten years ago and I can do it again.
My food is getting softer with each meal.
I only use my nurse call button when necessary.
God grant me the serenity to accept the diapers I cannot change; courage to change the ones I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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Friday, April 20, 2012

Conversation at Expressy's Dinner Table

Husband: "There’s a gal at my work who was joking around at the cafeteria table today. She told me she hasn’t had sex in 15 years."

Wife: "I hope she was joking. Did you offer your stud services?"

Husband: "Nah. Her hole is probably glued shut by now."

Wife: "You have a pry bar. I could whore you out for a fee."

Husband: "I'm not for hire."

Wife: "Good! Then, you won't charge me a dime to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things."

Monday, September 12, 2011

Expressy's Day with the Grandson

As you might have figured, my adult children are now fertile and have produced children. Well, my two-year-old grandson came to play at my house today. So far we have played in the sandbox, did face time with a tater head, rode a dump truck, watered the rocks, dunked a sandwich in soup to see if it could swim, and we colored with markers that were so dried up they got to be dipped in water to use, and we blew bubbles, and made a mess with Play-doh. That was this morning.

Lunch has now been cleaned from both ends of the boy; books have been read; eyes, nose, and ears have been located and identified on both the boy and Von-Von; Muno and Brobee were selected as bed buddies; and one talky-talky boy is singing the ABC song in his crib. It's supposed to be nap time. I hear a choo-choo. Not sure how that got into his room.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we tried on all the hats in the coat closet that I decided needed reorganizing while trying to wrangle the Play-doh bin from the top shelf. Said struggle caused an avalanche.

Did I mention that I pulled a bag of apples from the fridge and caused a jar of spaghetti sauce to fall out and break on the tile floor, cutting my foot in two places? The boy may have added a few choice words to his vocabulary as I tried to clean up the mess while bleeding on a paper towel I shoved into my flip-flop to keep from bleeding on the clean floor. So, mommy and daddy, if you hear the boy saying FU-CRANK-en-stein, you know where he learned that word.

Life is hilarious and it's only Monday!

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

How I met my second husband

The year was 2000 and I was going through a divorce from my husband of 22 years. I visited new parts of town on while working temp assignments. When I passed by a particular office park, it seemed to call to me. I wondered if there was a full-time job that had benefits waiting for me there.

Curiosity finally got to me and I took a turn down the road to the office park. A lot of businesses were there, but nothing I felt drawn to until I neared the back of the office park and saw a warehouse that was being used as a meeting place for a church.

“No, not church!” I whined when I saw it. “You know I hate organized religion, Lord. I’ve been hurt too many times by religious people, and I don’t want to go to any church, much less one in a warehouse.” I had a feeling I was not going to see any peace until I visited this place. So, I finally gave in.

I woke up one Sunday morning in April knowing that I had to go to that church in the office park, but I bargained with God that I would only go to hear the music then I’d leave before the preaching began. I called to see what time the services started and was told 10:00 a.m. When I got there at 9:55 everyone was milling about, and some were leaving. I thought I was off the hook and was about to leave when I discovered that they were only taking a break. The second half was about to begin—you guessed it—the preaching. I had not set my clock back for Daylight Saving Time and I missed the music. I wanted to bolt, but a nice woman approached me and asked me to sit with her, so I complied.

For someone who didn’t want to get back in church I sure surprised myself when I went to a prayer meeting at a lady’s house the following Saturday night. There was a guy there named Randy that I absolutely could not keep my eyes off of. This sounds dumb even saying it, but I thought we’re supposed to be together. I was on the rebound and too vulnerable for a relationship. I was not over the pain of my first marriage, and I didn’t want to date.

I went to the church service again the following week. Randy sat behind me that morning. I heard that he was leading a prayer group on Friday night. I decided to attend.

Randy asked me out after the meeting Friday night, and I heard the word “yes” jump out of my mouth before I knew I wanted to say it. This is a mystery, but I felt like I knew this man from somewhere.

Randy and I took a ride to the lake after dinner, and as we sat on the bench I got this premonition that I was going to marry him. Husband #2 had been praying for a wife and even saw me in a dream. I  married him ten weeks after we met. I call that taking a giant, risk-taking, leap of least on his part!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Fax it Again, Sam

Someone at our Florida office was having trouble with her fax machine. She called our office and asked me to send her a test fax. Here is the fax I sent her.

This is a test of the emergency “does my fax work?” system.

This is ONLY a test.

Do not evacuate the building.

If this had been a real emergency you’d be dead by now.

Testing…. Testing…. 1 2 3

Test. Test.

Can you hear me now?!

That reminds me of another funny story. One day a customer called and asked us to fax another copy of the document we just sent her. We asked if the copy didn’t come through or if it wasn’t readable and she said, “Oh, yes, it was clear, but I need another copy and I don’t want to walk across the room to the copier!”

“Oh, Kay!”

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Singing in the Cube Farm

The coworker sitting across from me must have been a jukebox in another life. He hums, whistles, and sings non-stop. His tunes range from "Danny Boy" to "Can’t You See What That Woman’s Been Doing to Me." I hear enough of that song at home. No matter how many people have complained about the distraction, our one-man-Muzak will not stop. “Please, Mister, PLEASE don’t play B17!” we plead, but the broken record keeps going, and going, and going.

A few weeks ago I decided that if I couldn’t beat him, I’d join him. Except for when he chooses Italian opera selections or Christmas songs in August, I sing, hum, or whistle along with him. Other coworkers have joined our choir and we have quite a background harmony section. We’re taking requests. You may dial us at 800- HUM-DING.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mid-life Crisis? Which One?

I had a spiritual reading when I was on vacation. The psychic said that I would be on this planet until I was over one hundred years old. Great! That means the midlife crisis I had when I turned forty was all in vain even though I do have a tattoo and divorce papers to document the non-occasion, and this means I can justify another midlife crisis in about ten years. I greatly appreciate the insight this information brings. As I see it, I have another sixty years to lose the rest of the twenty-five pounds I’m trying to shed. And if you’re driving behind me, just chill out or go around me. I’ve got time to spare and I’m going to slow down and enjoy it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Java Takes Herself for a Walk

The animal hospital called me at work to say that they had found our chocolate lab, Java, wandering around outside the clinic. I was puzzled as to how she got out of her pen AND the fenced-in backyard. I mentioned to the nurse that Java’s ears had been bothering her, and that perhaps she had taken herself to the doctor for a checkup. They agreed to check her ears while she waited until I could get home from work to pick her up. In the meanwhile Frankie, whom I didn’t know was home, realized Java had left the gate open when he was cutting grass. He went into the house to get his car keys and was about to drive around the block searching for her when he noticed the answering machine had a message. It was the vet saying that Java was ready for pickup. Perfect timing.

Hey, by the way, the murals we all painted on the walls of our garage are groovy. Thanks to everyone who helped. All our neighbors joined us impromptu that evening when curiosity got them best of them. Each person who came by to investigate was required to at least sign his or her name on a concrete block. It was a memorable “block” party. It’s been three weeks and we still have strangers coming to our door asking to see the garage they heard about!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

OCD and Religion

From 2002, we still have memories and stories to share:

Hey you, Emailians,

I got an email today that gave the findings of a study that had been done regarding religion and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Since many of you are the ones I’ve gone to church with all these years, we may need to be on the lookout for these symptoms. The gist of the study is this:

While researchers have not proven that religious devotion early in life causes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the finding adds weight to the theory that a strict religious upbringing may make people more prone to the psychological problem. The study found that religious people with a strict upbringing are more likely to show symptoms of OCD because they may be anxious about right and wrong, black or white. For instance, sufferers often become obsessed with the notion that they are sinful or contaminated with germs, leading to hour upon hour of washing. Don’t laugh, I’m reminded of woman I knew who changed her bed sheets, shaved her legs, and took 2 baths every day! The study says that OCD can become so bad that it prevents people from leading a normal life. No kidding? It took this woman until 1:00 to get dressed for the day. I shouldn’t condemn her. I’m sitting here in my pajamas.

The study also said that genes, head injuries (does brain-washing count?), and emotional trauma (first marriages, children, traffic jams, etc.) have all been implicated in cases of OCD - understandably so. If you begin to clean house, wash your hands, or brush your hair more than usual, you may want to have your head examined. As for me, I quit religion, and as you can tell, I’m normal again.

DATE: June 26, 2002 10:59 AM
SUBJECT: RE: COD and Religion

Re: Religion. Trauma. isn’t that one in the same? And OCD? Well, I've never been a religious person, but I have had quite a few emotionally traumatic events in my life. I'd hate to think I was doomed to spending my days repeatedly washing my hands, counting floor tiles, or changing my underwear. It hasn't happened so far, but I was a compulsive drug user for quite a few years. Does that count? I managed to find help for that, so I guess the last compulsive area of my life is relationships. I guess for now I will just continue to blame the emotionally traumatic events in my life for it. It's better than being labeled crazy, right????

DATE: June 26, 2002 11:08 AM
SUBJECT: RE: COD and Religion

I’ve been to Crazy. Crazy is a good place to be. In fact, I have real estate and stock investments there.