Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanksgiving with the Family

You know how it is. You love them but you can't wait to get back home to your own version of insanity. The holidays provide plenty of opportunities for love and laughter as well as chaos and craziness.

While visiting my parents the week of Thanksgiving, my mom asked me to drive my dad to eye doctor. It was either that or put my hand up Tom Turkey's butt, so I agreed to deal with Dad.

Dad said he knew how to get there, but I logged the location into my GPS just in case. Glad I did.

"It's that building right there," Dad pointed. I turned in.

"Really, Dad? Is there something you haven't told us? That's a gynecologist office."

Just walked by my 96-year-old grandmother and she was looking at the Walmart sales paper. It was upside down! Tried not to laugh--she has cataracts--but it was so cute!

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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Affirmations for Seniors

I've been doing affirmations for about ten years and they really do work! I woke up the other morning (not this morning, but the other one) and had to chuckle at what I was hearing in my head.

I have not fallen; I can get up from the toilet.
I hear whenever I want to.
My organizational skills are being perfected as I sort my pills each day.
I Depend upon my Creator to keep me safe and dry at all times.
I have not been sexually abused; my nurse gave me an enema.
Sports, such as bending over and deep breathing, are highly overrated.

I am getting better and better at using my toes to pick up items from the floor.
I remember where I put my hearing aid each day.
My sense of smell is still keen. I just farted.
My sleep number is 9-1-1.
I do not have bed sores; I am lying on my dentures, again.
I know my doctor’s names—all three of them; Ben, Gay, and . . .
My caregiver’s name is . . . My caregiver’s name is . . . (try again later)
I know and understand where I put my glasses; I can see to find them.
I bet my sweet Aspercreme I can still drive a car—fast. I exceeded the speed limit ten years ago and I can do it again.
My food is getting softer with each meal.
I only use my nurse call button when necessary.
God grant me the serenity to accept the diapers I cannot change; courage to change the ones I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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Friday, April 20, 2012

Conversation at Expressy's Dinner Table

Husband: "There’s a gal at my work who was joking around at the cafeteria table today. She told me she hasn’t had sex in 15 years."

Wife: "I hope she was joking. Did you offer your stud services?"

Husband: "Nah. Her hole is probably glued shut by now."

Wife: "You have a pry bar. I could whore you out for a fee."

Husband: "I'm not for hire."

Wife: "Good! Then, you won't charge me a dime to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things."