Anything that comes in sixes is good!

That retarded husband of mine gave me his Christmas Wish List today. I thought I’d share it with you.

MY CRITMUS WIST LISP

I THINK I MIGHT WANT ONE A DEM PARTRIDGES IN A PAIR A TREES; AN A COUPLE OF DEM TURDLE DUBS SITTIN IN A TREED B NICE.

I’D TAKE THEM THREE LAYIN’ HENS, SO'S I HAVE FRESH EGGS, AND DEM FOUR CALLIN BIRDS SO'S TA KEEP MA TELEPHONE BILL DOWN.

NOW I DONT'S REALLY BE NEEDIN 5 GOLDEN RINGS CAUSE I GOT ONE, AND FOUR MORE WOULD JUST BUSY UP MY HAND. I AIN’T MUCH ON DE JEWRIE ANYHOW.

NOW ANYTHIN’ DAT COMES IN SIX'S IS GOOD, LIKE BEER. MATTER A FACT SINCE I BE GETTIN’ THEM CALLIN’ BIRDS, YOU KIN LEAVE OFF THE TWO TUDDLE DUBS, TAKE DAT TWO AN ADD ‘EM TO DA FOUR RINGS I DINT WANT AND YA GOT SIX LEFT. ANYTHING DAT COME IN SIXES IS GOOD, LIKE BEER.

I MIGHT COULD USE SEVEN SWANS IFN I STILL HAD A POND BUT DA OTHER FOLK GOT DA POND IN DAT DEE-VORSE.

I DONT BE DRANKN MUCH MILK SO I DON’T NEED NO EIGHT MAIDS MILKIN’; DA WIFE WOULDN'T LIKE DEM EIGHT UDDER WOMEN HANGING ROUND NO WAY. LIKEWISE BETTER NOT GET NO NINE LADIES DANCING, DAT REALLY UPSET DA WIFE. SO, ADD DAT 9 WITH DA 7 AN 8, AN DAT MAKE TWENTY-FOW, WHY DATS FOW SIXES, AND ANYTHING COMES IN SIXES IS GOOD, LIKE BEER.

I SURE DON’T NEED NO TEN LEAPIN LORDS AROUND MY HOUSE. NEXT THING YA KNOW DEY BE FALLIN DOWN AN BREAKIN' SUMTHIN, OR MESSIN’ WIT MY WIFE.

NOW I DO LIKE MY MUSIC, SO LEBEN PIPERS PIPIN MIGHT BE GOOD FOR AWHILE; IFN I GET TIRED OF ‘EM I JUST PLUG UP DAR PIPES.

O.K. YOU KNOW, TWELVE IS A GOOD NUMBER, DATS 2 SIXES, LIKE BEER. NOW IFN YA ADD DAT TEN WID DA LEBEN, DAT MAKE 21. SO I FIGURE IF I GONNA GET DEM 3 HENS, I REALLY DON'T NEED DAT PARTRIDGE IN DA PAIR A TREES, SO DAT MAKES, YEP, YOU RIGHT 24; AN DATS 4 SIXES, WHICH MAKES MY CASE CLEAR. 

WELL, DAT’S MY CRITMUS WIST LISP, HOPE IT'S WORKABLE. JUST REMEMBER WHEN YA DO YA SHOPPIN, ANYTHING DAT COMES IN SIXES IS REAL GOOD. LIKE BEER.

(2002)