Friday, January 9, 2009

Aroma Warnings!

Hi Team,

I finally got all the 1999 calendars hung right side up and turned to the right month. That seems to help. A lot of folks gave us calendars and planners in December. They must want a date with me! Get it? Calendar? Date? Moving right along... I’ve discovered some hazards of aromatherapy that I thought I might warn you about.

Don’t ever put your contact lenses in your eyes directly after a bath using essential oils. You’ll have a foggy outlook all day.

You might want to consider having bathtub rails installed if you are not an avid skier. It will help you stand up in the shower if you are the lucky one to follow a person who took an aromabath.

There are toilet hazards: Always check to see if a freshly oiled person has visited the site before you sit down. I’m not sure if homeowner’s insurance covers injuries occurred from sliding off the seat. The toilet is no place for a sitz bath, I can tell you that much.

If you spill any oil in the floor you will want to get it up immediately before some unsuspecting person learns to do a Chinese split on your kitchen floor.

If you get essential oil on the kitchen counters while mixing, don’t’ use the dishtowel to wipe it up. Your dishes will smell like patchouli and your husband will sing Rolling Stones songs at the dinner table.

Don’t mix too many fragrances at once. It could confuse the olfactory nerve in your brain, and you won’t be able to tell if you are feeling relaxed or stimulated, or if you are hallucinating.

It’s a good idea to have your bathroom doorknobs removed and the doors hinged so they swing outward. That way you will not become trapped in the bathroom and make yourself late for work trying to turn the knob with greasy hands.
Beware: Cappi is legally on oil therapy.

The sandalwood oil is for your feet, the tea tree oil goes on the trunk of your body, but the bergamot does not go in your nose!

Never do an oil & salt rub right after shaving your legs unless you are trying to reach the high notes in an opera tune. Some of the grains in the Dead Sea salt are still alive and will attack open wounds.

If you give the dog a massage you may want to omit the massage oil. Fur is not all that absorbent but upholstered furniture is.

If you find that you are spending too much money on your aroma habit, you may have to keep your debit card under lock and key. Just because you have checks left in the checkbook does not mean you have money in the account. Ask me how I know.

If you are subscribed to this mailing list against your will or better judgment, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to me at Just put “forget it” in the subject line. If you want to keep getting Email Episodes, write me, and put “oil me up” in the subject line. It’s as simple as that.

I’m going to go pierce my ear now. Talk to you later.

SENT: January 20, 1999
SUBJECT: RE: Kooks of Hazard and other oil spills

Oil me up, Scotty - oh wait, that's “Beam me up Scotty” - is that what we'd use for light therapy sessions? Anyway...please don't delete me from your expressy-ions. I need something to remind me that there is a world still waiting outside of the cube farm.

Cubicles: padded cells without doors.

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