Expressy is Stuck with a Shave

What’s black, blue, and read all over? 

Not the newspaper, but my legs after an unsuccessful attempt to give myself an amateur wax job. 

I wanted to get rid of monkey legs for at least 6 weeks by having them waxed, but I’m a single gal on a budget, so I went to Sally’s Beauty Supply and got a do-it-to-yourself kit for less than half what the salon charges for one leg. I expected it to be a little messy. I didn’t expect to glue myself to the shower curtain and have a new wallpaper design once the ordeal was complete. I started out in an inconspicuous area…yeah, you guessed it. The bikini area is also the most sensitive. The wax wasn’t hot enough so when I yanked the first strip off, I hit the ceiling screaming some four-letter words my momma never taught me. When I surveyed the damage, I had black and blue blood blisters in the crease, and I’d whacked the hell out of the bush. I had no idea how I was going to remove the remaining lumps of wax but I sure wasn’t about to give it another tug. I used scissors, soap, water, oil, and alcohol (80 proof given orally) but nothing helped loosen the wax. Sure, it would eventually wear off, but what will I do between now and the next millennium?

I was not about to be defeated by one little mishap, so I decided to go ahead and try the legs. By the time I was done, I had stuck one foot to the toilet seat and one to the bath mat, the wax-heating element was stuck to the counter top, and I had glue strings hanging from every part of my body. I had so much wax on my hands that I was permanently attached to three towels, two washcloths, a roll of toilet paper and a box of Kleenex. I got into the bathtub to shave off the rest of the residue, but my razor clogged and stuck to my leg. I scrubbed until I thought I had enough off to be able to sit down and not adhere to the chair. Later that night when I undressed for bed, I had blue jean fuzz stuck to both legs, and I was minus a few moles and a varicose vein. I could sub for Lucy Ricardo. I think I’ll just forget trying to be sexy. It’s too damn painful.

Love,
Stucky Spressy

From: kurlikew@bcuz.net
To: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
Date: 15 Mar 2000 6:33:38 EDT
Subject: Re: stuck with a shave

Ya know, Spressy, I think if it weren't for bad luck you would have no luck at all. But thanks for the warning. I think I'll avoid the home leg-waxing ordeal. :O)


From: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
To: kurlikew@bcuz.net
Date: 15 Mar 2000 6:41:53 EDT
Subject: Re: stuck with a shave

I try to help folks avoid trouble. That's the whole point of sharing stuff like this.

From: Birthababe@nurserynews.com
To: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
Date: 15 Mar 2000 6:52:53 EDT
Subject: Re: stuck with a shave


Try baby oil to remove the wax! It works! And, it's a lot less painful. Don't give up on the waxing.....you get better with practice! (I've been waxing for over 2 years....additionally, the wax job will NOT last 6 weeks but more like 2 weeks.)


From: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
To: Birthababe@nurserynews.com
Date: 15 Mar 2000 6:58:47 EDT
Subject: Re: stuck with a shave


I did try baby oil, motor oil, and linseed oil. I threw away the whole waxing contraption as soon as I got it pried loose from the countertop. I’ll “stick” (ah, another pun!) to waxing floors and cars.