Blog Tag: 10 Honest Traits About Me

I've been tagged to write ten honest traits about me! I've decided not to write about myself since this whole blog is Expressy this, Expressy that. You're tired of hearing about me, so I've decided to share some honest traits about the author who created me. Hopefully, this will land me in the morgue with a toe-tag, and she'll quit writing about me. It's embarrassing, I tell you.

So, here goes honesty at its best, from Expressy to her author (a fictional character).

1. My author did not have a midlife crisis. My character, Expressy, IS her ongoing midlife crisis.

2. My author taught me everything I know about aromatherapy. I take no responsibility for the mistakes or messes she thinks I might have made.

3. My author hates to shave her legs. She projects everything on to me like it's my fault the world is screwed up.

4. My author gave natural birth to a 10-pound boy in 1979. She decided to try it again and birthed a smaller baby girl (nine pounds one ounce) in 1983 with no anesthesia. You should have been a fly on the delivery room wall that day!

5. My author is easily distracted. Like just now when she started to email a client about an important meeting? She's Twittering instead. On Twitter.com, dumb ass. She's addicted to social networking. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter. What did you think I meant by Twittering? Besides, she has to get new batteries for that other thing.

6. After five surgeries, my author is missing a few internal organs. I think one of them may be her brain.

7. My author was a pianist/keyboardist for 30 years. She practiced as much as five hours per day and never had time for me or the kids. Glad she gave that noise box away.

8. My author stands in front of the mirror and makes her belly shake just to watch it jiggle. She got this idea from My Husband who twirls his appendage.

9. My author thinks that anything chocolate covered is a health food.

10. My author took her 20-year-old son with her to get her first of two tattoos. She would like to get more, but ink is expensive. You should see her printer cartridge bill.

Oh, God! Here she comes.

"What are you doing at my computer?"

"Tagging."

"You'd better not be writing about me again."

"Nope. Tagging is like Twittering."

"Oh, okay then. But, I need my computer back in five minutes."

* * * * * * *
Gotta hurry. My time is short (maybe literally!) If your name is on the list below, I'm tagging you. I've given your blog or email addresses which should excite the robot spammers. I am not responsible for how things turn out.

Expressy

1. President Lincoln - (no forwarding address or blog site)
2. My fertile friend with nine kids - Kidsrus@doittomeagain.org
3. My author's first boyfriend - (I'm pretty sure he's on parole by now, but I don't have his new email address)
4. My author's orthodontist - wiredteeth@much-pain.com
   
5. My former pastor - nosex-nofun@gotohell.com
6. My new porn star friend - ballerina@poledancer.org
7. My friend Cappi, who never writes back - Cappuccino@coffeehouse.com
8. My little brother - pest@nananabooboo.net
9. My gardener - Suzysunflower@deadgarden.com
10. My Web master - This page returns a 404 error