Death by Diet

Kim and I tried to commit suicide at lunch today. We ate at an elegant buffet called Karendales. We did really well with our grazing until the waitress brought out a dessert sampler on a silver tray to the guy across the room from us. We looked at one another and began surveying the temptation. Finally, we made a dash for the waitress. We had her bring one of those platters with an assortment of high-caloried fudge, cheesecake, carrot cake, ice cream, strawberries and chocolates covered with raspberry and caramel sauce. We savored every bite. To say the least, we both blew a huge hole in our low-fat, no-sugar diet. As we waddled back to the car, I was feeling so bloated and guilty. This is only the second time in six months I've had sweets. If I had Syrup of Ipecac handy I'd drink it and puke so I could breathe again. I can't even button my pants and I NEED a nap. I weighed myself on the shipping scales before lunch. I had gained two pounds after our escapade; and that was after my first “run” to the porcelain parlor. WHY did I DO this to myself? SOMEBODY slap me - Just DON'T touch my belly.

Gotta go! Literally!


FROM: Suzysunflower@kansasgarden.com
SENT: Wednesday, July 26, 2000 11:24 AM
TO: Expressy@coffeehouse.com
SUBJECT: RE: Death by Diet

Mah Dearest Spressy,

I truly enjoyed your Death by Diet story. I reread it again today. I just have to share a story about our small town. Our town is really small but we do have a local Chief of Po-leece Chief Bodine (pronounced Bow-dene) is a true Cajun. No one messes with Bodine! He tours around town two or three times a day, usually between coffee stops at one of the two area stores. Now Bodine has a deputy. He's not really a true deputy but works with Bodine and is a “wanna-be-deputy'. His name is Barney, really, that is his name and he is a small “Barney Fife” type character. As I said, this is a small town with a small budget. The story goes that Barney doesn't have a real Po-leece car with a real siren. Instead, he drives his Geo and has a toggle switch with an outside speaker. When in hot pursuit, he hits the toggle switch and it plays a tape of a siren screaming, just like the Sheriff's car. Barney has never actually got to pursue anyone so he only plays the tape in front of the city hall to see if it is working. Well... one day while Bodine and Barney were sitting in the local store enjoying their third cup of coffee, one of the “good old boys'“ pickup truck went streaking through town running our only stop sign. Bodine said “This is your chance Barney, go get 'em.” Barney jumped in his Geo and took off in hot pursuit and flipped the toggle switch to blast out his siren tape. However, seems someone swapped the tape and replaced it with the William Tell Overture. So off goes Barney down the street with his tape blaring “Titty-rump, Titty-rump, titty rump, rump, rump! Poor Barney, he will never live this down. Do take care now, you hear?

Love,
Your Aunt, Suzy Sunflower